I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
