I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
