i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
No subtext here. People are naked.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
