Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
