Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
