Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
