I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
