he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize