OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
