I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
