I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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