We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
