...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
