oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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