I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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