I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
