So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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