He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize