A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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