He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
sex in a hospital.. check
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
