you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i need some magic done to my vagina
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
