I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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