He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
