Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
