Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
