WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
