nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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