why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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