It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
