god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
