Your face is a jimmy john
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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