we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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