I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
