I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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