pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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