Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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