So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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