So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
