3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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