Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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