dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
