So drunk its hurt
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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