I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
