you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
