I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
