the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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