the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
