We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
