Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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