see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
