you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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