thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
