I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
