I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
