My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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