why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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