I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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