Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
